"Self – Our Biggest Barrier To Happiness"


Meditation Delivered By Reverend Richard E. Stetler – February 12, 2012

Centenary United Methodist Church

II Kings 5:1-14

    The newspaper this past week was filled with Valentine’s Day sales, articles about love and the value of websites devoted to helping people find a mate. The challenges to our expressing love are very real and this understanding dovetails into our Scripture lesson for this morning. 

    There are a number of fascinating, often unique characteristics that result from our being human. Each of us brings to our daily experiences a cluster of well-rehearsed responses that were years in the making.  We have established an ethical system that helps us to distinguish between our version of right and wrong.  We also bring a host of expectations of how we want other people to treat us.  All of these traits can occupy a different level of importance within us. Our sense of Self-importance, however, determines this mix of character qualities that we communicate to others. 

    There is a lot of truth said in jest.  Thursday’s newspaper had a column of humorous statements that lifted up the reality that all that glitters is not gold when it comes to our relationships. 

    Here are some of those tongue-in-cheek nuggets -- “The secret to a happy marriage is still a secret.”  “My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met each other.”  “I’ve had bad luck with both of my wives.  The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”  “The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.”   Finally, “Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of mate your spouse really wanted.”  At the heart of all the drama generated between people, the sense of Self is often the culprit that causes the wrong kind of sparks to fly.

    One of the unique experiences that pastors have is the opportunity to work with couples that are planning their weddings. What makes these sessions so interesting is the knowledge that each man and woman is bringing a universe of responses, values and expectations that were part of their respective family’s unique culture.  The challenge for each is to blend successfully these cultures so that their relationship remains harmonious.  

    There was a time when a couple met in graduate school, fell in love and came to me to perform their ceremony. Both had PhDs in the field of communication. What was most fascinating is that in spite of their academic credentials, both found it difficult to communicate effectively with each other. The man was shy and soft spoken, cerebral and logical.  The woman was gregarious and very verbal.  She experienced life on a deep emotional level.   

    Here is how their communication frequently sounded -- The man said, “If you have those expectations of me, you need to tell me what they are.  I am not a mind-reader.”  Her response was, “If you really loved me, you would know these things about me.  I should not have to tell you that I want you to kiss me.”  He just rolled his eyes and said, “Oh, come on Helen!  Things are not that bad.”  She was silent, but smiling. 

    Yes, their relationship really was that bad in the area of communication.  They were a perfect example of how opposites attract each other. After a little coaching that deepened their awareness that their differences were very common among many couples, they married and are doing very well. They were both unaware of how much the needs of the Self were getting in the way of the warm, supportive communication they both wanted.

    Love is the most powerful, energetic spiritual force in the universe. What many people are seldom taught is that love is a learned response.  What comes natural to human beings is a growing sense of Self-importance.  We tend to see everything through the eyes of what we want, what we like, and what constitutes our sense of fulfillment.  What causes conflict is when those wants and likes are in different universes.  This theme was thoroughly discussed in John Gray’s book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

    Because love is a learned response, countless people never realize that love is a one-way-street.  In fact, we are taught just the opposite.  Think about the flow of God’s love that surrounds the just and the unjust alike.  God’s love is a one-way-street.  This is why Jesus taught that forgiveness has to be an instant response by everyone.  That is how God responds to each of us.

    Some of you that are into Cricket, Football or other sporting events, or are married to someone who is, may appreciate the plight of another couple.   In one of my former churches, I received a call from a woman who said, “Dick, our marriage needs your help.  Charlie is in three softball leagues and he is never home.  Our family life revolves around his love of sports.” 

    I knew Charlie very well so I said, “Your wife called me this week and she desperately wants her husband free from being held hostage by softball teams.  Can you fix that?”  He said, “I sure can.”  Charlie was a great guy and very understanding so he volunteered to leave two of the teams in spite of the protests of his teammates. 

    It wasn’t long before Rebecca called me again.  She said, “He’s home, but he’s under the car tightening a muffler, he reads books and magazines while wearing earphones, he’s doing e-mails, and he’s bringing work home from the office.  I can’t stand it!  He’s here but he isn’t here. Do you know what I mean?”

    I sensed what the issue might be so I made some recommendations that brought the cause of their behavior out into the open. The two met with me and this is what I said, “Charlie, Rebecca needs some help.  I want you to prepare the meal at dinner time on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”  Charlie was delighted.  Not only did he enjoy cooking but he said, “I would love to do that.”  Rebecca said, “Not in my kitchen.”  I said, “Yes, in your kitchen.”

    Charlie made fried chicken one night by putting the chicken into a brown paper bag that contained flour, salt, pepper and breadcrumbs.  He saw his mother do that when bags were better sealed on the bottom. Flour was on the floor and the stove.  When he fried the chicken he did not use a spatter shield and the stove top and surrounding counter space was covered with grease. And when he cleaned up, the kitchen utensils were not put back in the correct places. 

    Rebecca was furious with me and became even more antagonistic when I said during our next visit, “Charlie, on Wednesdays and Fridays, I want you to help the children with their baths.”  Rebecca became very verbal at this point.  “He’ll play with the kids.  He will leave the bathroom a mess.  There will be a ring around the tub when their finished.  He’ll get soap in their eyes.  He’s never bathed the children since they were born.”

    The problem in their relationship stemmed from Rebecca who had become a super mom. A super mom is a woman who needs to have control over everything in her household.  Her spice rack was alphabetized.  Her recipes were filed in much the same manner.  She put his socks away with light colors moving to dark from left to right.  She managed her household exceedingly well but there was no room for her husband to fit into the family.  She was not aware that Self had become the biggest barrier to having the loving, shared relationship that she wanted.

    In our Scripture lesson today, we find the same trait in Naaman, the General in the Syrian Army that had developed leprosy.  He allowed Self to erupt with anger because the prophet Elisha did not meet his expectations.  He did not like the way Elisha treated him. 

    Naaman said, “I thought he would at least come out of his house to see me, pray to his God, wave his hand over my diseased spot and cure me.  How dare he send his servant telling me that I have to take a bath in the Jordan River!  Why the Jordan River?  We have two very fine rivers in Damascus that are far better than any river in Israel.  I could have washed in them.”

    Fortunately, Naaman experienced an intervention.  His servants said, “If Elisha had asked you to do something difficult, you would have surely done it.  Why can’t you just wash yourself as he asked you to do and be cured?”  In essence they were saying, “Come on, General, get over yourself.  Just follow the prophet’s directions and see what happens.”

    Perhaps Self is the greatest barrier to the expansion of our minds and spirits than anything we have in the external world, including what many believers characterize as the work of the Devil.  Think about it. When we are set in our ways, know what we expect from others and have our values carefully defined, we could also have created a closed mind to alternatives that we cannot recognize.

    A number of years ago one of my church members gave me a videotape to watch.  It was an interview by William Buckley, Jr. with Malcolm Muggeridge.  Malcolm was a Christian, an Englishman and a recognized scholar.  He wrote a book entitled, “Jesus Rediscovered.”  The interview was part of the Firing Line series on television.     

    Seeking Malcolm’s response to a gathering of an elite group of experts, Buckley set the stage in the following manner:

Suppose there was a dinner in a large spacious home.  Sitting around that table was an engaging visionary who understood where the future of microchip technology was headed.  Next to him sat another person who was an expert in medical technology.  She understood the cutting edges of genetic research and knew what was in the pipeline of procedures and products being created by various companies.  Next to her was an expert in developing a new source of clean, safe nuclear power derived from fusion technology. Next to him was a specialist that was perfecting a nearly indestructible composite material out of which the external body of cars and the fuselage of aircraft will be made in the future.

    Buckley went on to suggest that after this incredible evening of exhilarating and inspiring conversation about humankind’s exciting future, a final guest said:

A friend of mine is dying of cancer and he became completely consumed with anger and grief.  He found a Bible that was in the drawer of the table next to his hospital bed.  After reading the Gospel of John, he gave his life to Jesus Christ.  That evening, God’s presence was overwhelming.  He was instantly healed of his anger and resentment.  He developed a quiet spirit free from anxiety and accepted his coming death with peace.

    Buckley then asked, "Wouldn't there be dead silence around the table?  And wouldn't there be the tendency for someone to whisper to one of the scientists sitting next to him, "Who in the world invited that guy to dinner?" 

    Without hesitation Malcolm said, "Oh yes, that could easily happen."  Buckley asked, "Why?"  Muggeridge responded,

Many experts in their respective fields tend to see the world through the eyes of the specialist they have become.  Because spiritual solutions have nothing to do with the material aspects of the world, those who are informed in their area of expertise and are seeking solutions facing humanity will tend to be totally blind and deaf to any other reality, particularly a reality that remains invisible to their senses.

    Self can become a powerful barrier that has the ability to prevent even the brightest and most successful people among us from maintaining an open mind.  

    We live in a day when our religious beliefs and heritage are losing their appeal for the same reason why the table of elite scientists became silent on the subject.  The importance of nurturing the spiritual dimension of life is becoming increasingly irrelevant for countless people even though their invisible world governs every decision and response that they make.  

    Ignorance is not bliss.  Missing the mark in this arena causes people to commit suicide, leave their families, switch jobs for one more dollar more per hour or become a computer hacker poised to steal people’s identities.  The unrecognized power of an untrained Self can become like a bull in a china shop.

    We learned last evening that Whitney Houston died in her hotel room in Beverly Hills, California at the age of 48 after decades of substance abuse.  We learned that Michael Jackson overdosed on prescription medication.  We can go back to the King, Elvis Presley, along with his stories of substance abuse and we say to ourselves, “What is wrong with these people?  They had everything going for them!”  No, they didn’t!

    Fortunately, Naaman was surrounded by people who encouraged him to let go of Self so healing would come. This is also our task every day of our lives.  We must remember that when our inner world is neglected, it will remain a child and will behave like a child.  The more we nurture our inner world, allowing us to grow up, the happier we will be.